With the proximity of Christmas this title most likely conjured up thoughts of a gift you received or a gift you gave. However, I am referring to the present as the greatest of gifts. As I try to meditate I am often plagued by thoughts of the past and worry of the future. Only by clearing my mind and concentrating on the moment, the present, am I able to feel truly at peace. How often we contaminate the present moment by obsessing over the past or undue concern about the future.

Lately I have paid particular attention to when (yes I do mean when, not what) I think about and how it can take away from the present moment. While enjoying a movie I was thinking about all I had to do when I got home. While out to dinner with friends I was beating myself up for speaking harshly at my son before we left. In both of these instances I could have enjoyed it much more if I were present instead of letting my thoughts take me away.

Reviewing the past can be a very important learning experience and planning for the future is also important. But when they rob you of the present it diminishes your current experience. Don’t let your thoughts rob you of the miracle of the moment. Be in it, let the present envelope you and pay attention to it. You will feel better and be able to handle negative situations better as well.

I have heard it said that the past is history, the future is a mystery, the present is a gift – that’s why it is called the present.

Posted on January 5th, 2009 by Kirk
Filed under: Blessings, Hope, happiness | No Comments »

The Spirit of the Season All Year Long

There is a special spirit this time of year as people turn their focus to those in need, to gift giving and making merry. For the most part people are more friendly and kind. Sure there is the occasional Scrooge who is more focused on the hustle and bustle and how stressful everything is. But let that be the exception not the rule.

It begs the question, why does it take a major holiday for us to feel this way? Why can’t we feel this spirit all year long? Is it because society has given us permission at this time of year to be more generous, more giving and more kind? That may be true, but you don’t need permission. The spirit of the season is found inside of you, not in any gift you give or receive. And because it is found inside of you it does not leave you on December 26^th. If you want to you can feel the miracle of the season any time you want to by looking inside of yourself and giving yourself permission to feel it. When you do, it will manifest itself in so many marvelous ways.

Truly, it is better to give than receive. This year, give yourself permission to be kind, generous, uplifting, welcoming and loving all year round.

Posted on December 12th, 2008 by Kirk
Filed under: Blessings, Hope, Uncategorized, happiness | No Comments »

The Blessings of Adversity

When we are in the midst of a trial it is difficult to see the great blessing that it can be. Today I was talking to a family where the father is undergoing treatment for colon cancer. Just barely one month into a six month regime they were telling me of the great blessing this experience has been. They feel closer than they have felt in years, they are humbled by the outreach of family, church and community, they believe that their eyes have been open to amazing miracles. Miracles they might not have witnessed otherwise.

Miracles do not stop simply because we cannot see them and so often it takes a hardship or trial to open our eyes to the wonderful things that happen around us. Don’t wait for something negative to happen before you realize how blessed you are. If you choose, you can have your eyes opened and you can see how many good things are happening, how many good people are serving others, giving of themselves and their means to benefit the less fortunate.

Take a minute to be still and reflect on the blessings you have witnessed. Make it your intention to see at least one thing each day that can be considered a small miracle or blessing. In doing you will be surprised at how much you begin to notice. The result will be greater hope, a greater ability to cope, less stress and positive emotions.

Yes, adversity can be a blessing – if you allow it to be.

Posted on December 3rd, 2008 by Kirk
Filed under: Adversity, Blessings, Hope, Uncategorized, happiness | No Comments »

Make thanks-giving routine

We should be grateful everyday not just one day a year. Gratitude is a powerful emotion that has the ability to help us see what great blessings we have and to minimize our obstacles and adversity. When we nurture feelings of thankfulness we also have a greater ability to solve our own problems and not feel so overwhelmed with what is happening to us.

Instead of waiting for Thanksgiving we each should make thanks-giving routine. Find something every day to be grateful for. Give thanks to everyone you encounter. It need not be a formal “thank you” but could be a simple as a kind word, a gesture, letting someone pull ahead of you in traffic. When we give thanks, so much more to be grateful for comes into our lives.

At the same time we should not wait until Thanksgiving to express our appreciation to family and friends. If you are grateful for someone, let them know. Don’t wait another day without telling them how much they mean to you. You shouldn’t worry about ‘over-doing’ it. Just worry about getting it done.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted on November 22nd, 2008 by Kirk
Filed under: Uncategorized, happiness | No Comments »

Staying Postive in Tough Times

Today marks the day that I start to post on a more regular basis. Thanks to the many readers who have urged me to post more often.

Please come back often as I will be posting practical tips and advice on how to be happy and how to handle the general ups-and-downs of everyday life at least once a week.

Today, let’s talk about how to stay positive in tough times. There is no doubt that we are facing one crisis after another. Many people are experiencing hardships and feeling desperate. Without minimizing what you may be going through here are a few tips to help you stay positive in these tough times:

1. Don’ t underestimate your ability to cope. There are so many people that have it worse than you and they are making it. So can you.

2. Limit your daily dosage of news. Let the news happen without you. Become a headliner and only watch or read news headlines three days a week.

3. Be grateful for what you do have and to those around you. Gratitude is a great moral booster for all of us.

4. Be a mentor or serve someone in need. Find someone to share your wisdom with. It will make you feel better about yourself.

5. Surround yourself with positive thinkers. Don’t let others get you down. If the conversation turns negative simply change the subject or dismiss yourself.

6. Laughter is great medicine. Find something to laugh about every day. We all do goofy things. You can even laugh at yourself.

These are tough times but you don’t have to be a victim. You can be positive even when things are tough.

Posted on November 17th, 2008 by Kirk
Filed under: Anxiety, Overcoming Depression, happiness | No Comments »

Dealing with Difficult People

Who is it you have the most trouble with? Who is your biggest pain? From the person who cut you off in traffic, to the cashier at the grocery store to the cell phone customer support line, we all have to deal with people who are difficult. Maybe it’s a co-worker, your boss, your mother, a sibling or another family member. Regardless of who they are, they can make your life miserable. Sometimes the stress and worry they cause us is unbearable and rather than dealing directly with them and the issues, we avoid them by changing jobs, moving to a different neighborhood or just flat out ignoring them.

For years it seemed that wherever I went I would run into at least one person that would be hard to deal with. I began to wonder if my buttons were so obvious that everyone around me took morbid pleasure in pushing them. It took me a long time to figure out that the people I have the hardest time with can actually be my greatest teachers. That alone is a key to dealing with difficult people. If you were to consider every encounter with a difficult person as a learning experience the contention will dissolve and replaced with curiosity.

Being curious about a person, their views, their background, their ideals and opinions does not mean that you agree with them, but that you are wiling to hear them out. Being curious means setting aside your own agenda in order to truly listen to the other person. Too often we have our own agenda in conversations—an agenda that prevents us from really listening and getting to the truth. This is very similar to the fifth habit in Stephen R. Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In this habit, Covey counsels the reader to develop empathetic listening, which is listening with the intent to understand by getting inside the other person’s frame of reference. One way to do this is to develop curiosity about the other person and what they have to say. This is not a technique as much as it is the principle of seeking first to understand before you are understood.

Another way to deal with difficult people is to cut some slack and give them the benefit of the doubt. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once said, “If you could spend one minute in the mind of your enemy, he would no longer be your enemy.” As much as we would like to, we cannot read the minds of the people around us. Chances are, they are dealing with some serious issues that if we were aware of it, we would treat them with compassion instead of contention.

By being curious, listening, and giving them the benefit of the doubt, the number of difficult people in your life will reduce dramatically creating more peace and less stress in your life.

Posted on September 20th, 2008 by Kirk
Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

Be Happy by Stop Making Comparisons

True success and achievement is not about being better than someone else; it is about being better today than you were yesterday. Comparing yourself to anyone else is self-defeating, as there will always be someone faster, smarter, better looking, wealthier, and healthier than you. I know this is easier said that done because the world demands that you compare yourself to someone or something. Standing in line at the supermarket, you read headlines about the prettiest people in America, how to lose weight, how to have better sex, and how to look like a movie star. At work we are subjected to relative rankings and performance scales. Our children constantly face scrutiny and comparisons at school where they face grades on a curve, the homecoming court, and MVP awards. The same is true for us. We have been trained to compare ourselves to others as a way to determine our self-worth. Self-worth begins on the inside and never on the outside with comparing. Continuous comparisons create a constant stream of negativity in the form of competition between ourselves and the people around us. This especially happens between siblings and family members to the point where relationships are stretched to the limit and destroyed over competition and judgment. Comparing yourself to someone else is a veiled form of judgment. You are either judging them or judging yourself. Either way, it is unhealthy and unrealistic.

On the other hand, we often demand a comparison, thinking that we deserve something that someone else has. This creates a strong sense of inferiority, which, in turn, creates guilt and anger. Comparing yourself to anyone or anything else is a battle that cannot be won. To be truly happy requires that you let go of comparisons and establish your own measure of success. Your value is in your creation and is based on your divine nature. You are and always will be who God intended you to be. You are a child of God, and that is the greatest of all of his creations. God’s will and power are much greater than your own. Who does God think is more successful: the man who overcomes anger or the man who overcomes an addiction to alcohol? We could debate this question forever, but the truth is that there is no comparison! God is not going to compare us to someone else. That is only something that man does. Our goal is to improve, to grow, to become more like God, and to develop love, compassion, and experience joy. When you compare yourself to others, you limit yourself and you limit them. A study of more than eight thousand adults revealed that a person’s level of happiness is reduced by 26 percent if he or she regularly compares the quality of his or her family and social relationships to that of others. Comparing ourselves to others creates an unrealistic and unobtainable standard to live up to and leads to unhappiness.

There are at least three forms of comparisons that are dangerous: (1) when we compare ourselves to others; (2) when we have an unrealistic view of what success is; and (3) when we compare others to others, such as comparing your spouse, your partner, or your bother to someone else. All of these comparisons are unhealthy and cause you to determine your self worth from outside sources. You are beautiful, you are wonderful, and all that beauty and all that wonder are already inside of you. Be happy by not comparing and you will see just how beautiful you are.

Posted on August 28th, 2008 by Kirk
Filed under: Overcoming Depression, happiness | 1 Comment »

Be Happy by Expressing Appreciation

We all like to hear the words thank you and to have our deeds, whether small or big noticed and appreciated. Though we all like to hear ‘thank you’ we seldom go out of our way to say it to others. My friend Judy tells this story. While shopping at Macy’s she visited the lady’s room and found it fresh and was exceptionally clean. When she exited, the woman who had just cleaned the bathrooms was finishing putting her supplies in the cleaning cart. Judy took a minute to say, “The restroom was clean and fresh. Thank you for doing a good job.” The cleaning person started to cry and said that she had been there four years and not one person had said thank you. It was overwhelming that someone would not only notice but stop and say thank you. How often are we in a position to make someone’s day by sincerely expressing our gratitude? A sincere thank you can brighten anyone’s day and will make you feel better as well. Saying thank you does not have to be a big production or a big round of applause. I have found that sincere appreciation is received better than fan-fare. You can express appreciation without even saying it. Your body language says much more than your words can ever communicate. Besides words, appreciation is shown in how you interact with the cashier at the grocery store, the server at the restaurant, or the person cleaning the bathroom. Not to mention how you stand in line at the bank or the post office. It is my experience that, for the most part, the people I interact with are trying to do their best and I get much better service and attention the more grateful and appreciative I am to all the people I encounter. The person you express appreciation to is not the only beneficiary. You will find that expressing appreciation will brighten your attitude, put a smile on your face, and reduce stress. The more you express appreciation the fewer problems you will have, you will get better service where ever you go and you will be happier. The flip side of expressing appreciation is learning how to take a compliment. How you take a compliment is another form of expressing appreciation. Your acceptance of a compliment is directly related to how you feel about yourself. I often witness people minimizing or dismissing a sincere compliment. Are we afraid of success? Do we think that we don’t deserve recognition? Many of us are afraid of appearing arrogant, and so when we are given a compliment or shown some appreciation, we dismiss it as if to appear humble. However, what happens most often is it diminishes the intent of the person giving the compliment and might even offend them. Because of my speaking and consulting engagements, I am often told how well I do. At first I would dismiss the compliment with some quip or comment that spoiled their intent. I have since learned that the most appropriate response to any compliment or any expression of appreciation is to simply say, “Thank you,” or “Thank you, I appreciate you saying that.” When you give, you get. In our youth, we all heard that it is better to give than to receive and it is true. The paradox is that as you give of your “self” through expressing appreciation and humbly accepting compliments you will find there is more of your “self” to give.

Posted on June 22nd, 2008 by Kirk
Filed under: Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

No ‘thing’ can Make you Happy

Nothing will make you happy. Happiness comes from the inside. Actually, it is better said that no thing can make you happy. Don’t live the fantasy thinking that your next job, your next promotion, a bigger house, car, or some other material thing can make you happy. It becomes a never-ending pursuit. Once you achieve what you think can make you happy, you may feel fleeting euphoria but not lasting happiness. There have been many studies on this very topic such as the landmark study in 1977 by psychologist Phillip Brickman. He compared lottery winners to quadriplegics to determine which group was happier or had a higher quality of life. At first blush, you would readily think that someone who has millions of dollars and can buy anything they want would find great happiness. The study reported that those people who had lost the use of limbs or even their entire body from the neck down claimed they had a higher quality of life than they did before they were paralyzed. The lottery winners reported a state of excitement and euphoria that soon ended, and their quality of life actually deteriorated. Some of the lottery winners even declared bankruptcy or fell into addictions. No thing can bring you happiness. You become happy from the inside out. If you are like me, your intellect knows that material things don’t make you happy. But my actions didn’t follow what I knew intellectually and I found myself expecting to be happy every time something good happened to me. Sure, I was happy for a while, but it didn’t’ last. Sometimes it was more a matter of trying to influence and convince God to grant me happiness by creating favorable circumstances. But circumstances are on the outside, not on the inside. Happiness is not dependant on your circumstances, especially ones that you try to create or influence. Regardless of your situation, you can be happy. There are so many people around us who have real and difficult problems who are content and happy, and yet there are so many who are not. The difference is not in the circumstances but what is on the inside. No thing can make you happy. Happiness is living in a way that brings peace and contentment into your life regardless of the circumstances. I have met many successful yet miserable people. People who you would consider successful in every way but who claim they are empty inside. Perhaps you find yourself in that category—successful but unfulfilled, successful but not happy. I was once there! I did not change my job, find a new wife, or move to a different city to be happy. I found it inside of me, and you can find it inside of you!

Posted on April 20th, 2008 by Kirk
Filed under: happiness | No Comments »

Welcome to The Happiness Blog by Kirk Wilkinson

Welcome to The Happiness Blog. Over the coming weeks and months check back often as I share with you ways to be happy no matter what! That’s right, no matter what your circumstances you can be happy. Perhaps you are happy already and are looking for ways to make that happiness last. Or, maybe you are struggling with a real problem and need some help. Either way, both my book, The Happiness Factor: How to be HAPPY no matter WHAT! and this blog will help you discover how to be happy! Over the next weeks and months come back often. If there is a subject you would like me to write about please visit my website www.thehappinessfactor.com and email me or post a comment here. I look forward to hearing from you.Here are some sample topics of upcoming posts:

5 steps to lose more weight on any diet
How to become irresistible
Curing the fear of being happy
Small changes à Big results
Learn how to forget and be happy about it
Never be angry again
How to transform your career overnight and find fulfillment
Increase your face value – the art of complimenting
Live like you were dying
Don’t get caught up in the thick of thin things
Learn to be uncomplicated
How to find the ultimate freedom
NO THING can make you happy
The real identity crisis
Learn to wake up laughing
The Miracles of Forgiveness
The cost of yes – when saying no is the right thing to do
The speed of rapport

Posted on March 28th, 2008 by Kirk
Filed under: Overcoming Depression, happiness | 1 Comment »

The Present