This is such a great article I wanted to post it here. Enjoy!

Rita Wilson is a beloved gem of a woman who has managed a healthy, celebrated marriage for over 20 years in a town that loves to attack happiness. She’s a mom of four beautiful kids who all adore her. She’s a revered producer, celebrated actress on Broadway and the silver screen, dedicated philanthropist, accomplished writer who contributes to such power publications as Harper’s Bazaar and the Huffington Post, where she’s an editor-at-large. She wears so many hats it’s staggering, but the fact that she wears them all so well is what truly bowls me over. For all those reasons I have found her to be deeply impassioned, influential, and motivating, which is why I set my sights on interviewing her.

What annoys the hell out of me about articles, as the writer and the subject, is that there is no way to interpret tone. So much of Rita’s charisma and warmth is in her tone and I hate that you’re missing that, so let me set it for you. Throughout this interview I could feel her smiling through the phone. There’s a steady unwavering in her tone of speech that conveys patience and strength. The rhythms of her sentences are rife with self-deprecating chuckles as well as long introspective pauses, which allow her to craft her thoughts into potent, impactful messages.

To read the entire interview follow this link:
http://www.everydayhealth.com/healthy-living/jillian-michaels-interviews-rita-wilson-on-her-career-and-family.aspx

Until a few years ago I considered myself an expert at FDP. FDP stands for Finding Difficult People. I must have been an expert because no matter where I was, at the store, in church, at work or at home I would find at least one person that would make my life difficult. In my immaturity I would often complain about that person behind their back and do my best to avoid them. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized that difficult people reflect more about me than about them and that they are indeed our greatest teachers. Often times we find people difficult as they expose our character flaws, imperfections and weaknesses or things we despise about ourselves. If we become curious about what they are teaching us we can alter our view of them to be less negative.

One thing to always consider is that you cannot change anyone but yourself so when it comes to dealing with difficult people I recommend to my clients this approach: Adjust – Approach – Avoid. I call this the Three A’s of Dealing with Difficult People.  Too often we jump into avoidance mode to deal with the people who are difficult or we immediately try to confront them which can sometimes make matters worse.  I suggest a more emotionally generous approach by adjusting your reaction first, and then approach them if you need to and then as a last resort, avoid them.

Using the Adjust, Approach, Avoid method allows you to address the key elements in any difficult encounter:

·         The facts – what happened or what is happening

·         Feelings – how you felt before, during and after the encounter

·         Needs – Your unmet needs as well as the unmet needs (such as validation, respect, attention) of the other person.

When you stay at the fact level you are likely to get caught up in a debate over who is right or who said what to whom. Yet, the two other aspects are more important – the feelings involved and the unmet needs.

The Adjust, Approach, Avoid method is usually covered in a 1 hour to half-day seminar but let me make a few suggestions here:

Adjust: One recommendation is to adjust your thinking and express your willingness to consider the other person may be right or that they have a valid point of view. This helps diffuse the situation. This does not mean you agree, it simply means you are willing to consider what they have to say.

Approach: There are 6 steps to approach:

1.       Prepare – consider their story, their point of view

2.       Intent – what is it you hope to accomplish by approaching them? If you intent is to punish chances are it won’t go so well.

3.       Start in the third story – start by taking the view of a keen observer

4.       Invite – ask them to help you figure it out

5.       Explore – ask for clarification on their story, then share your story

6.       Problem solving – work together to resolve the issue

Avoid: When Adjust and Approach do not work then you may need to withdraw from encounters with this person but consider this a last resort.

We all have difficult people in our life. They can be a loved one, a family member, a friend, a co-worker, supervisor or neighbor. To the degree we can learn to be emotionally generous we will reduce the negative emotions and increase our positive emotions. By becoming emotionally generous I have fewer confrontations and seem to have lost my knack for FDP – Finding Difficult People!

As we begin the New Year our minds naturally turn to goals and what we would like to accomplish. Personally, I stray from setting New Year’s resolutions. They are typically unfulfilled and create anxiety and disappointment for. I prefer to set goals on or around my birthday. These goals are more personal and carry more meaning. Two very important aspects to setting the right goals and staying motivated to achieve them.

Achieving a goal is more about your reasons for setting it than it is about your ability to achieve it. Let’s talk about 5 good and appropriate reasons to set a goal.

A goal should be:

Intrinsic: goals you pursue because they are inherently satisfying and personally meaningful to you! Not just because someone else wants you to.

Authentic: The question to ask yourself is if you feel authentic and consistent with your beliefs and values when pursuing the goal?

Pursuit: A goal should involve pursuing a positive outcome rather than avoiding an unpleasant circumstance. To be healthy is a better goal than losing weight.

Harmonious: Goals can often conflict with one another and will cancel each other out. For example, having a goal to get and MBA and a goal to spend more time with the family may not be harmonious and create conflict as a barrier to success.

Activity based: Goals that are activity based (hiking, running, studying, etc..) have a higher success rate than goals that are goals intended to improve your circumstances such as buying a new car or HDTV.

Another key factor in accomplishing a goal is staying motivated. Here are ten things to consider to stay motivated to achieve your goals:

•       Expect resistance

•       Learn to incent yourself!

•       Experientialize accomplishing the goal – visualize the end result

•       Overcome the ‘boredom factor’ – be flexible and add variety

•       Create sub-goals that follow  the ‘Dream big – think small’ approach

•       Celebrate your accomplishments

•       Share your goals with others – make them public

•       Commit with passion

•       Develop self-discipline by practicing on ‘silly’ goals

•       Remember that failure is a key success factor!

If you would like personal help with your goals please contact me for a complimentary coaching session. Also, look for the release of a new audio program “Commit to Your Goals and Stay Motivated to Achieve Them.”.

Who would you be and what would your life be like without any problems? Can you imagine a problem free life? Probably not! While living a problem free life may be unrealistic what if there was a way to get rid of most of the problems you are facing? Would you be interested? I think you would.

I would bet that a good percentage of the problems you are experiencing or the emotional energy you are spending has to do with things you have little or no control over. How many of the things you are worrying about are actually someone else’s problem? Letting go of what you can’t control is an art and the reasons to hang on to something, someone, and event or a situation are endless. However, not letting go usually has its basis in irrational thinking. For example, let’s say you were at a friend’s house watching their toddler take her first steps. After a few attempts she falls flat on her face. Being a good friend you offer, “Look, as your best friend let me walk for your daughter. That way she doesn’t have to fall.” You can see that it is somewhat irrational and also a bit absurd. Yet, when we take on the problems of others or worry about events that we can’t control to a certain degree we are thinking just as irrationally. Some examples of irrational thinking include:

“If I stop trying to fix them they won’t need me anymore.”

“It is easier to do it myself than dealing with the chaos of having someone else do it.”

“They can’t do anything right without me.”

“If I don’t fix these things it will reflect on me and people will think I’m a failure.”

If you’re caught up in this type of thinking any attempt of letting go will be met with resistance. Rather than thinking of letting go as an ‘all-or-nothing’ dilemma I would like you to think about how much control you have over a person, an issue, an event or a situation. Can you give it a number between 1 and 10? Then think about how much influence you have over the outcome and give it a number between 1 and 10. If you are low on the control scale and low on the influence scale then your best bet would be to take a passive role in the outcome. Or better said, take on a wait-and-see approach. If you rate your control or your influence above a 5 then it might be appropriate to take an active role in the outcome. By looking at people, events, issues and situations this way you can determine the best role. Don’t just automatically take on the role of problem solver or fixer. Let others be accountable and let both the natural and logical consequences fall. Again, when you take a wait and see approach you will know when to step in and when to stay out of it. Letting go is an admission. A self-admission that you are not responsible to effect a change or correct a problem that is beyond your competency, power, authority or responsibility. 

Think of all the energy you are spending on other people’s problems that could be put to good use helping you be happier, more satisfied and more in control of your own life. There is age old wisdom in the Serenity prayer: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

When it comes to letting go you can develop the art of letting go by learning these three steps:

Ask: Ask yourself how much control or influence you have

Assess: Determine if it is best to take an active or passive role

Act: Determine the best course of action by removing yourself, accepting it, or changing it.

Have the happiest of days!

Every time I turn around I am hearing more and more about stress. This is particularly true during the holidays as we contemplate the many activities, buying presents, decorating, and being with family. I would love to say that most family gatherings are wonderful but I heard from so many people that holiday family gatherings are filled with the risk of drama and contention.

Though people are stressed I believe that there is a great spirit of giving and service during the holidays. I love to see people helping others at the mall, dropping change in a red bucket, placing a present under a giving tree or providing for those less fortunate. Don’t let stress and anxiety rob you of great and tender moments this Christmas. Rather than waiting for them to happen, create them. This will not only raise your spirits but you will raise the spirit of those you help. Here are some ways to help you:

1.      Practice the art of SDASU (Sit down and shut up): This time of year is so busy that we often end the day without having a moment to ourselves. Take the time to sit still and be quiet.

2.      Lower your sugar and alcohol intake: A good holiday diet can make a big difference in how stress affects you. Watch your caffeine intake as well as drink in moderation. This is particularly true for company parties.

3.      Find low risk family time: Family time can be stressful during the holidays but try to find low-risk (low risk for stress) moments to be with family. By low risk, I mean a low risk of stress. For instance, if you are feeling anxiety over an upcoming family gathering call a few of your family members ahead of time and catch up with them and create anticipation of seeing them rather than anxiety.

4.      Say no: Don’t stress out over obligations. Learn to value yourself and your time by gracefully declining activities that will overwhelm you.

5.      Learn to under-react: This is a personal favorite and is explained further in my book The Happiness Factor. Don’t let urgent or someone else’s crisis become your crisis. Say, “I choose to under-react,” take a step back and take a deep breath. You will be surprised at how many problems get solved that way.

6.      Widen the wiggle room: Learn to accept interruptions gracefully. Don’t schedule yourself so tightly that you can’t adapt to changes.

7.      Own up to your feelings: Notice when you feel stress, look for a cause, and make and adjustment. Don’t let stress take up residence and ruin your day. Take a breather.

8.      Give it away: Look for a good deed to do. This is hard when you feel stressed, but it will really work to give you positive and constructive feelings. Focus on the small things.

9.      Work out or take a walk: Exercise really does help. While you can’t run a mile every time you feel stress, a consistent exercise program will help you cope better. It is proven that exercise improves your state of mind.

10.  Don’t overspend: Be frugal this Christmas. Don’t feel you need to over-indulge the people on your list. Ponder each person and give something a bit more personal and appropriate. Don’t try to impress with your gifts. Overspending will create both immediate and long-term stressors.

Have a Merry Christmas!

   In many of my keynote presentations I include a section on gratitude as an important ingredient to feeling optimistic, overcoming your adversity, and being happy. There are many scientific studies that have researched the effect of gratitude in overcoming disease such as cancer and other personal setbacks. The researchers found that something as simple as counting your blessings can boost your positive emotions for as much as two weeks. What is interesting about these studies is that they also show we quickly adapt to our own feelings of gratitude. If we count the same blessings over and over again we rapidly become bored with it and the positive emotions begin to fade after about two weeks. Here is an example of what I mean - have you ever been without hot water? This recently happened to us when our hot water heater went out and needed replacement. For almost 3 weeks we were forced to use cold water for bathing and washing. When the repairs were finally finished and we once again had hot water we felt so grateful. The intense gratitude of having hot water again disappeared in just a few days as we adapted and fell back into full expectation that we would have hot water each time we opened the hot water faucet.

                To overcome this powerful adaptation to our blessings I recommend training yourself to feel gratitude for all the things that add to the value and quality of your life. I call this the “touch and feel” of gratitude. You can train yourself to feel gratitude by saying thanks for everything you literally and physically touch that you feel grateful for. For instance, each time you pick up your mobile phone you can say to yourself, “I am so grateful to have this phone.” When you touch your car keys, the door to your house, sit in your chair at the office, hug your wife, your children or eat a meal, all you have to do is start saying to yourself how grateful you are. This creates the habit of gratitude that overcomes becoming bored with it and will intensify your feelings of thankfulness.

                As you sit down to a nice thanksgiving meal with family and friends don’t express the same old platitudes of gratitude but think of all the things you touch each day that combine to make your life a bit better. Even if you are destitute, even if you have lost your job or your spouse or perhaps you are not as healthy as you would like, take a few minutes and train yourself to see what you do have and be grateful for it. This simple act will make a big difference and you will feel better and happier.

Have a happy Thanksgiving!

       We all intuitively know that our facial expressions communicate more than our words. But can your facial expressions actually change your mood elevate your emotions?  Researchers for years have proven that your facial expressions do indeed mirror your internal emotions. We frown when we are sad and we smile when we are happy.  It begs the question, what comes first - the emotion (happy or sad) or the facial expression? To help answer this question a team of researchers, Martin and Stepper, conducted a test to see if they could induce positive emotions by creating the corresponding facial expression. They conducted a study with two groups of participants asking them to examine a set of The Far Side cartoons and rate how humorous they perceived them to be. One group was instructed to take a felt-tip marker (properly sanitized) and hold it in their mouth as if to approximate a smile. The other group had no such marker. Of the two groups the one with the approximated smile found the cartoons more humorous and thus concluding that if we can smile, we can affect our mood and brighten our day. When you mimic the facial expressions of happiness and joy you actually feel it.

                To further prove this, a study was conducted to see if Botox could relieve the symptoms of depression. In 2006 Doctors Finzi and Wasserman conducted study with ten clinically depressed women whose depression did not respond to traditional treatment of drugs or psychotherapy. All of the women were ages 36 to 63 and their depression ranged from two to seventeen years. Each woman was injected with Botox to the frown lines near the bridge of their nose.  In just two months 9 out of the 10 women showed no signs or demonstrated symptoms of depression.  

                I don’t recommend that you run out and get a Botox treatment to help relieve depression but I am suggesting that you can increase your positive emotions by smiling more and frowning less. Even if you don’t ‘feel like it,’ you can dramatically increase your ability to cope, improve your mood, and increase your happiness by smiling until you feel it.

                As a young boy I remember a dentist’s sign out front, “Smile - it increases your face value!” Not only will a smile cause others to treat you better and with more respect, it will help you feel a whole lot better.

I recently had a client come to me with an overwhelming feeling that the world was passing him by. He felt as if he was standing still while opportunity, excitement and people just whizzed past.  As we began our discussion it was clear that he also felt lost and without direction and even though he worked hard and was busy, he couldn’t see any progress.

It is not uncommon for us all to feel this way at one time or another and it is easy to let this feeling of being lost and left behind consume our thinking. My advice to my client was to first of all relax into this feeling and not resist it. When our spirit or our intuition is trying to tell us something or teach us an important lesson it can often make us feel uneasy and out of sorts. Rather than resist the feelings, relax into what you are feeling and be blessed with greater insight and inspiration.

Secondly, I suggest that instead of feeling despair we should look at these kinds of feelings as an indicator that we need to make some emotional adjustments. I travel often and one of the first things I do when I get into a rental car is adjust the rear-view mirrors. I could drive away without adjusting the mirrors but I want to gain the perspective of where I have been. We too should adjust our emotional rearview mirrors from time to time to get a sense of what we have accomplished, who we have become and perhaps some things we may have missed. It would be ridiculous to drive forward by only looking in the rearview mirror but some of us do that each day – instead of a healthy relationship with the past we try to move forward with our eyes looking behind us. When you feel as if the world is passing you by, don’t look behind you, look forward, and take action.

Lastly, this uneasy feeling can creep up on us when we lack purpose. While many people feel that this uneasy feeling is remedied by setting goals I have met a lot of goal oriented people who also experience an unsettling feeling. Purpose is more about who you are and how you go about living life than it is about the what of life. Purpose is how and why you achieve your goals not the goals themselves.

To use the feeling of the world rushing you by and to help you feel you have direction in your life I suggest writing out either a new life purpose or refining the one you have. You can do this by asking yourself the following questions:

What am I all about?

What do I stand for?

What actions am I taking to accomplish what I am all about?

There are other exercises you can do to help you define a life purpose that I would be happy to send to you. Don’t worry whether the purpose you write is a perfect purpose for you. If it is wrong, the uneasy feeling will return and prompt you to refine it. I always recommend to my clients to pick a purpose and listen to your gut to tell you if it is right or wrong. Then live it, evaluate it and refine it.

If you feel as if you are wandering, like you are a sailboat without a rudder, don’t despair. Relax into the feeling and let it motivate you to take action. The feeling will disappear until you need to be prompted to take action to refine your purpose. Don’t let uneasy feelings get you down let them work on you and within you.