Not that long ago I was flipping the channels on TV and began watching a show called Clean House. This program is dedicated to helping deserving families de-clutter and organize their homes. Since then I have watched this show several times and I am always amazed at just how much clutter these families live with. For many of them, the clutter has become a way of life and when faced with the prospect of de-cluttering, some of the individuals resist the change even though they know it will be for their own good. How many of us have become accustomed to clutter? I’m not just talking about books and magazines lying around or the pile of clean clothes that need to be folded. I am also talking about emotional cutter, things that are just thrown here and there in our lives that take up emotional space and cause emotional disorganization. When given the chance, how many of us would resist the opportunity to de-clutter knowing it will make a huge difference?
When I was younger, we always did spring cleaning. It was a dreadful time when we opened up the house to air it out and clean it from top to bottom. My job was washing the walls. I was surprised at how dirty the walls had become in just one year. In fact, that wasn’t the only surprise. Every year I would argue that the walls looked fine and didn’t need cleaning. It wasn’t until my stepmother took a wet cloth and wiped a small portion of the walls to show just how dirty it was that I understood. It is that way with us as well; we don’t realize the “dirt” in our lives until we wash a bit of it away and see the contrast. Sometimes it is just too much to deal with, and we learn to be satisfied with “dirty walls” and procrastinate our own emotional spring cleaning. Emotional spring cleaning can come in many forms. It is sometimes a byproduct of a de-cluttering of your office, your desk, your garage. It can also come about in the form of a spiritual awakening. In either case, it is an essential part of becoming happy.
As we approach a long awaited spring, take the time to assess the areas in your life that may need a little spring cleaning. You will be amazed at the emotional freedom that will come as you organize your life, organize your work space or even just your bedroom. Don’t procrastinate, do it today, you don’t need to wait for flowers to bloom or the weather to grow warmer. Do it today!
Is self-esteem real? Does it exist or is it just an excuse to judge ourselves and others? While the answers to these questions may seem obvious, self-esteem is only as real as we make it. Self-esteem cannot be as easily measured as someone’s height, weight or strength. Self-esteem is a mental phenomenon with no standard or objective way of measuring. We are all left up to our own internal yardstick of what is high or low self-esteem.
Typically it is much easier to detect self-esteem in others than it is to measure or detect our own. The irony is that most of our interpersonal judgments are determined by our self-esteem. For instance we may admire someone who is successful in business, wealthy, has a nice car and wears nice clothes as someone who has high self-esteem. However, their success could be a way of compensating for low self-esteem.
As much as we are tempted to assess self-esteem by external conditions such as title, position, wealth, and even beauty, self-esteem is best determined by how we interact with and respond to situations, circumstances and other people. In general a person with high self-esteem will respond by being:
Understanding and supportive of others
willing to listen first
giving
eager to learn new things
able to change beliefs and behaviors based on new knowledge.
In 1998 I was laid off for the first time and even though I was eventually hired by the same company that laid me off, it was a difficult and trying time. As I bemoaned having to take a lower position with a lower salary many people would say, “Just be grateful you have a job.” This came from very well-minded individuals that truly cared for me but it sounded like a platitude and a cliché and so I didn’t take it seriously. Looking back, I wish I would have.
Though the phrase, “count your blessings,” may be overused, we shouldn’t let that detract from the efficacy of that statement. Counting your blessings really does make a difference. In several studies respondents were asked to count their blessings each night just before they went to bed. All of the respondents experienced a measureable lift in their mood. Simply counting your blessings, expressing what you are grateful for, will increase your positivity and improve your mood.
If counting your blessings can make a noticeable difference in your mood what kind of impact would you experience if you were to take gratitude to a higher level – something I call ‘radical gratitude’ – or ‘core gratitude.’ Radical gratitude is intense thankfulness that grows from the inside out, a feeling that emanates from your core so that it becomes part of who you are not just something you feel and do. Let me tell you how this came about.
Several weeks ago I was driving to the Phoenix airport contemplating an upcoming presentation where I would be speaking about radical gratitude. As I was driving, I was thinking how I could make an impact on the audience and help them realize the magnitude of happiness they could achieve by practicing this form of gratefulness. This thought came to me: Read the rest of this entry »
Emotional addictions are just as powerful and can be just as devastating as physical addictions such as nicotine, drugs and alcohol. One such emotional addiction is praise. We all want to be acknowledged and validated but when our self-worth or our self-esteem depends on the praise of others we may have a praise addiction.
Praise addiction is characterized by a lifestyle that revolves around eliciting positive attention from others by putting yourself in situations where you strive for recognition or by surrounding yourself with friends who consistently flatter you giving you the fix you so desperately need. Just like other addictions, you will feel the manic high associated with a fix and the despair as the high wears off. The ups and downs of praise addiction require serious consideration.
Praise, in moderation, is a good thing. However, many parents over-praise their children in an attempt to raise self-esteem. Self-esteem is raised by doing, by accomplishment, by achieving, not by praise. Confidence without competence is arrogance. It is quite possible that well meaning parents, teachers and other mentors have conditioned you to only feel valued when you are praised. Don’t fall into that trap! You are good enough on your own even if no one tells you. Read the rest of this entry »
This past week I went to prison. Not for a crime, but to conduct several sessions on Cultivating Optimism. You may think that prison is an unlikely place for a topic such as optimism but I learned the opposite – that optimism is crucial in such a negative environment. Many of us experience negativity and stress every day – optimism can make a real difference in your life!
How many of us feel as if we are in prison? My coaching clients often tell me they feel stuck in a job they don’t like, in a marriage that isn’t working, or they feel they need to walk on eggshells. Isn’t that like an emotional prison? While they may not be incarcerated they are held captive by their own thinking and believe that their situation is making them unhappy. There have been many studies that substantiate the idea that only about 10% of our life satisfaction and happiness is derived from our circumstances. Your circumstances are not the source of your unhappiness.
You can learn to be optimistic. Optimism is a skill. Becoming optimistic simply requires some attention and self-discipline. In the “Cultivating Optimism” sessions I taught the inmates the 4 powerful steps to create optimism through exercises in gratitude, reframing adversity, creating positive self-image and learning to not overthink.
Gratitude, if approached with some seriousness can lift your mood and help you see that life isn’t all that bad. When we experience adversity, it is easy to blame others and become pessimistic. You can learn to turn adversity into opportunity in a way that creates positive emotions which is critical to being optimistic. Too often people label themselves as a pessimist or an optimist. This flows from your self-image. You can create a new self-image of optimism. Lastly, if you are someone who ruminates and overthinks, learning how to stop overthinking can create hope instead of negativity.
To some degree we are all in a prison, held captive by our attitude and perception. Optimism is a skill that you can learn. Feeling grateful, overcoming adversity, improving your self-image and learning how to not overthink will help you break free from pessimism and unlock your potential to be optimistic. Optimists are healthier, have better jobs, handle stress and trauma better and live longer. Those benefits alone should be enough to motivate you to learn to cultivate optimism in your daily life. Looking on the bright side just became a whole lot easier.
Do you know what makes you happy? Do you know what makes you unhappy or what would be devastating in your life? Believe it or not, very few of us are good at emotional forecasting. In other words, even though we think we know what would make us happy and what would make us sad, it is usually not the case.
Let’s use this example. In a recent study, a group of more than 500 people were asked what would make them happy. Many of their responses included, “spending time with family.” The researchers gave each person in the study a PDA to record their level of happiness and satisfaction each hour of the day and to record what it was they were doing at the time. The results are not what you would expect. By a large margin people scored their happiness and satisfaction higher when they were at work and experienced less happiness and satisfaction when they were at home or with their family.
Another landmark study by Phillip Brickman compared the life satisfaction of lottery winners to quadriplegics. Both groups demonstrated the same level of happiness and satisfaction with the quadriplegics often saying they had a higher quality of life after being paralyzed.
Even though we think we know what will make us happy and what will not, we are actually not very good at predicting it. Why? Because we have an amazing emotional immune system. This immune system allows us to overcome obstacles and rise to the occasion. Additionally, we have been conditioned that external factors make us happy when in fact, happiness is an inside job. It is created from within.
Is a minute really only 60 seconds? The scientific answer is yes. However, the real answer is: ‘it depends.’ A minute on the treadmill is longer than a minute watching an action movie. A minute of in the dentist’s chair with a drill is longer than a minute eating ice cream.
I know what you’re thinking, “it isn’t really longer, it just seems longer,” and you’re right. I remember a cartoon that said, “How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.” When we are doing something we like, time seems to fly by. When we are faced with doing something we dislike, then a minute seems to drag on and on and on.
Let’s use this to our advantage and unlock the secret of making time move faster when we don’t like what we are doing. Wouldn’t that make life so much easier? I think it would. I call this the Law of Distraction – when you allow yourself to be distracted so that the unpleasant things you have to do don’t seem so distasteful. Next time you are at the gym notice how many people are wearing headphones and listing to music. They are trying to distract themselves from the monotonous chore of exercising. The Law of Distraction works wonders and takes just a little practice. When I was in law school I would open a bag of M&M’s and treat myself to one piece of candy after every chapter. It was just a small incentive but enough to motivate me and distract me from how much homework I had to do. You have many opportunities to incent yourself or distract yourself with positive things to take your mind off of something unpleasant. The trick is to not just be distracted but to purposefully distract yourself with something positive. It may take some planning on your part but it will pay off in big dividends. You will have with more energy, a better disposition, and you will be more productive and more creative.
Whenever you are faced with something you don’t want to do or something you have to do though you dislike it – distract yourself with positive thinking. Listen to a favorite song, treat yourself to an ice cream upon completion o f the task, or simply pick a reason to do the task that is meaningful and significant to you. You can distract yourself with positive thinking as much as you can be distracted by other things.
The Law of Distraction will help you enjoy things that you typically dislike. It will help you be happier. How long is a minute? Well, it’s up to you!
How good of a friend are you? How good of a husband or wife are you? What is a better indicator of your friendship or relationship: How you react to good news or how you react to bad news?
When I ask this question most people immediately say that how they react to bad news is a better indicator of friendship and love. I can understand that. When you hear bad news from a friend or from your partner you know how to react. You show compassion, love and concern. That is how most of us are trained to react to show that we care. However, how you react to good news is a better indicator of how good a friend or spouse you are.
For the most part we are not trained how to react to good news. If a colleague were to tell you they were just promoted, could you honestly feel happy for them without thinking why you didn’t get the promotion? Let’s say your sister were to stop by to show you her new car. Would you be excited for her and show it or would you feel that you deserve a new care more than she does? If you have a hard time with good news, you are in good company.
How you react to good news is an indicator of your self-esteem and self-worth. Happy people show true excitement for the good news of others without making a comparison to themselves. In marriages where the couples know how to feel and show pride, happiness, and excitement when their partner shares good news there is a better chance of staying together than couples where one partner or the other has a hard time hearing and reacting to the good news.
It is not the bad news that makes the difference, it is the good news. One way to change your reaction to good news is to create and maintain an abundance mentality. Just because one person has something good happen to them does not mean that it won’t or can’t happen to you.
There is more than enough good to go around. If you look at your life and only see what you are lacking, that is what you will find. Try looking at your life differently and noticing how much you have, how strong you are, how many talents you have. This allows you to feel true excitement for great things that happen to those around you. At the same time, there is an energy that flows from good news. Get as close to the good news as you can and let that energy rub off on you.
If you could do one thing to strengthen your social connections, friendships, marriage or relationships with your co-workers, learn how to be happy for them. It will make a huge difference.
Who likes to do housework? I have met a few people that say they love to do housework mostly because it is a distraction from other things. But have you ever met anyone who is ‘happy’ when they do the household chores like laundry, vacuuming and washing windows? There are a few that can afford to pay someone to do those things but for the most part we all have to juggle our schedules and include housework on our already busy schedule.
The more you hate housework the harder it will be. You will find every excuse to not get it done. That could mean the laundry piles up to look like Mount Everest requiring a SWAT team to tackle it. Or the dishes start to grow strange things in the sink. Don’t worry, we have all been there.
What if you could change all that? I have not met anyone that can crinkle their nose like on Bewitched and make it go away, but what if you could change how you feel about it? If you could, it would make all the difference.
Try this out. STOP THINKING about it and just do it. Too often we assign emotion and feeling to things we don’t want to do. It may be too big of a step to like something you don’t like to do or don’t want to do so I suggest something a bit more realistic. Remove all emotion from the task. I know this sounds crazy, but become an emotional robot when you are doing the housework and try to do the task without any feeling at all good or bad. Try and not think about it too much and just do it.
After awhile of practicing being emotion-less about housework you will find that negativity will disappear. Often times, the absence of negative feelings is actually positive. By removing the emotions you will eventually have a more positive experience. This doesn’t just apply to housework, it can apply to anything you don’t want to do, but must do.
E. M. Gray, in a famous essay, “The Common Denominator of Success,” written more than 50 years ago, says, “Successful people have a habit of doing things that failures don’t like to do.” He goes on to say that successful people don’t like doing them either but they subordinate the feeling of dislike to get the task done. You too can do this by first not feeling anything and then letting a more positive emotion grow inside of you.
Kirk
