It is not uncommon for us all to feel this way at one time or another and it is easy to let this feeling of being lost and left behind consume our thinking. My advice to my client was to first of all relax into this feeling and not resist it. When our spirit or our intuition is trying to tell us something or teach us an important lesson it can often make us feel uneasy and out of sorts. Rather than resist the feelings, relax into what you are feeling and be blessed with greater insight and inspiration.

Secondly, I suggest that instead of feeling despair we should look at these kinds of feelings as an indicator that we need to make some emotional adjustments. I travel often and one of the first things I do when I get into a rental car is adjust the rear-view mirrors. I could drive away without adjusting the mirrors but I want to gain the perspective of where I have been. We too should adjust our emotional rearview mirrors from time to time to get a sense of what we have accomplished, who we have become and perhaps some things we may have missed. It would be ridiculous to drive forward by only looking in the rearview mirror but some of us do that each day – instead of a healthy relationship with the past we try to move forward with our eyes looking behind us. When you feel as if the world is passing you by, don’t look behind you, look forward, and take action.

Lastly, this uneasy feeling can creep up on us when we lack purpose. While many people feel that this uneasy feeling is remedied by setting goals I have met a lot of goal oriented people who also experience an unsettling feeling. Purpose is more about who you are and how you go about living life than it is about the what of life. Purpose is how and why you achieve your goals not the goals themselves.

To use the feeling of the world rushing you by and to help you feel you have direction in your life I suggest writing out either a new life purpose or refining the one you have. You can do this by asking yourself the following questions:

What am I all about?

What do I stand for?

What actions am I taking to accomplish what I am all about?

There are other exercises you can do to help you define a life purpose that I would be happy to send to you. Don’t worry whether the purpose you write is a perfect purpose for you. If it is wrong, the uneasy feeling will return and prompt you to refine it. I always recommend to my clients to pick a purpose and listen to your gut to tell you if it is right or wrong. Then live it, evaluate it and refine it.

If you feel as if you are wandering, like you are a sailboat without a rudder, don’t despair. Relax into the feeling and let it motivate you to take action. The feeling will disappear until you need to be prompted to take action to refine your purpose. Don’t let uneasy feelings get you down let them work on you and within you.

I have heard it said that “withholding forgiveness is like grabbing on to a red-hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone.” Perhaps you have heard that “not forgiving is like swallowing a slow acting poison hoping it will harm someone else.” Let’s face it, forgiveness is not about the person who has hurt or offended you, it is all about you. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself - a gift that has enormous benefits and keeps on giving.

In my next book, Don’t let the past ruin your day – How to go from Victim to Hero in Ninety Seconds! (due out next spring) I share how forgiveness is a pathway to happiness that helps you rise above being a victim to being the hero of your own life.  You see, forgiveness is a reflection of your self-worth and integrity and allows you to identify yourself, not by past events, injuries or offences, but by who you are, what you represent and how you feel about yourself. In fact, forgiveness is one of the ways you can start to re-build your self-worth.

Many times we approach forgiving as an outward event, something we ‘give’ to someone else. I believe that the first step to forgiving is to recognize your own value, your own self-worth and how much you deserve emotional freedom.  It is more like a ‘gift’ we give ourselves.

For example, let’s say that you have been wronged by some injustice. Would you drive to the county jail and lock yourself in a cell? Sounds absurd doesn’t it? Well, the truth is that when you have been wronged and don’t take steps to forgive you end up losing some your emotional freedom as if you are locked up in some kind of emotional jail cell. Set yourself free by learning how to forgive, practicing it and doing it regularly.

In most cases you are the one hurting the most and the person you are blaming has likely moved on and doesn’t feel as bad as you do.

You make the choice to stop hurting when you reach the point of wanting to take your life back and that you want to heal. When you finally reach that point forgiveness becomes a real possibility.

Let’s not kid ourselves by thinking that forgiveness is easy or that it is unnecessary or that we have already forgiven something that still bothers us and causes us pain. Deciding to forgive someone who has harmed you is a hard choice to make. There are some hurts, offenses, betrayals and abuse that seem too horrible to forgive.  Because we are human, because of our programming our natural response is to seek revenge and to get even and demand an apology or retribution.

We should also remember that the one person who deserves your forgiveness more than anyone else is you!

Forgiveness is both a daily practice and a journey but one that can release us from bitterness and hatred. Think of how much room you would have for happiness by unloading the burden of past offenses. Yes, forgiveness is a journey but we begin healing from the very first step.

When we forgive with real intent we break out of the emotional prison we have built up around us. You can break free; you can feel peace, happiness instead of bitterness and anger. Do it today!

William James (1842 – 1910), who many consider the Father of American positive psychology once said, “We don’t laugh because we’re happy, we are happy because we laugh.”  We have also heard it said that laughter is the best medicine.  In 1976 The New England Journal of Medicine published an article by Norman Cousins which a few years later became the first chapter in his 1979 book Anatomy of an Illness. In this book Cousins explains how he found relief from an acute inflammation of the spine known as Bechterew Disease.  Cousin’s case was so severe his situation was declared hopeless and was given only months to live.

Cousins, knowing that negative thoughts and attitudes can result in illness; he reasoned that positive thoughts and attitudes may have the opposite effect. With this in mind he checked himself out of the hospital and went to a hotel where he consumed vitamin C and watched humorous movies and TV shows including ‘Candid Camera’ and the Marx Brothers.  In just a few days he found that ten minutes of boisterous laughter resulted in at least two hours of pain-free sleep. He continued his routine until he recovered.

Today, laughter is considered therapy and you can join and participate in AATH – American Association of Therapeutic Humor, join a laughter club and even become a laughter leader. Either way, if you can learn to laugh and make is a daily practice you will increase your positive emotions, improve your immune system, and relieve stress and pain.

Here are ten benefits to laughter:

1.       Laughing at yourself dis-empowers those who would make fun of you and it disarms possible confrontations.

2.       Laughter dissolves stress, tension, anxiety, irritation, anger, grief and depression.

3.       Laughter boosts the immune system.

4.       Laugher reduces pain by releasing endorphins that are more potent than morphine in certain doses.

5.       Humor helps integrate both hemispheres of the brain.

6.       People with a sense of humor are more productive, communicate better and are considered a better ‘team player.’

7.       Laughter and humor attract others. You will have more friends.

8.       Laughter helps you cope with adversity and failure.

9.       Laughter, robust laughter is equivalent to a small amount of exercise and actually burns calories.

10.   Laughter increases your energy.

If laughter is good for kindergartners then it is good for us. Find at least one thing to laugh at today. If, nothing comes to you then try this: go to a semi-private space and stand with your feet shoulder width apart. Raise your hands in the air and reach as high as you can. Now, start to bend at the waist keep your arms straight and as you do so, say out loud “ha, ha, ha, ha” – repeating it as you bend. Repeat the exercise 10 times.

I know this seems like a silly thing to do. But if you can get over the silliness and do this at least once a day for 7 days you will be amazed at the positive emotions it will create.

Another quite practical thing you can do is to find something to laugh at. For today, look at this video – it will make you laugh.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk

You can re-learn to laugh!

When I was younger, we always did spring cleaning. It was a dreadful time when we opened up the house to air it out and clean it from top to bottom. My job was washing the walls. I was surprised at how dirty the walls had become in just one year. In fact, that wasn’t the only surprise. Every year I would argue that the walls looked fine and didn’t need cleaning. It wasn’t until my stepmother took a wet cloth and wiped a small portion of the walls to show just how dirty it was that I understood. It is that way with us as well; we don’t realize the “dirt” in our lives until we wash a bit of it away and see the contrast. Sometimes it is just too much to deal with, and we learn to be satisfied with “dirty walls” and procrastinate our own emotional spring cleaning. Emotional spring cleaning can come in many forms. It is sometimes a byproduct of a de-cluttering of your office, your desk, your garage. It can also come about in the form of a spiritual awakening. In either case, it is an essential part of becoming happy.

As we approach a long awaited spring, take the time to assess the areas in your life that may need a little spring cleaning. You will be amazed at the emotional freedom that will come as you organize your life, organize your work space or even just your bedroom. Don’t procrastinate, do it today, you don’t need to wait for flowers to bloom or the weather to grow warmer. Do it today!

Typically it is much easier to detect self-esteem in others than it is to measure or detect our own. The irony is that most of our interpersonal judgments are determined by our self-esteem. For instance we may admire someone who is successful in business, wealthy, has a nice car and wears nice clothes as someone who has high self-esteem. However, their success could be a way of compensating for low self-esteem.

As much as we are tempted to assess self-esteem by external conditions such as title, position, wealth, and even beauty, self-esteem is best determined by how we interact with and respond to situations, circumstances and other people. In general a person with high self-esteem will respond by being:

• Understanding and supportive of others
• willing to listen first
• giving
• eager to learn new things  
• able to change beliefs and behaviors based on new knowledge.

On the other hand, low self esteem can generally be characterized as

• Overbearing and demanding
• self absorbed and small minded
• a taker instead of giver
• frightened of risk, challenges and uncertainty
• Resistant to change and self-growth.

You see, as your self-esteem increases you become less dependent on your external circumstances and more centered in your true ‘self.’ Low self-esteem is highly dependent on what happens to you and your surroundings. People with low self-esteem judge rules, regulations, structure, and other people as limiting and attempt to ‘win’ by overpowering or manipulating external conditions instead of cooperating with them.

All too often people believe that self-esteem is created through praise - both self-praise and the praise and recognition from others. While praise is good, it is not sufficient to create a permanent increase in self-esteem. If your self-esteem is dependent on the recognition of others then what happens when that recognition goes away. For instance, a young woman who is constantly praised by her parents may struggle when she gets married only to find that her husband is not as praise-conscious as her parents and her self-esteem is likely to tumble. 

For me, self-esteem has as a foundation in competence which leads to confidence that can increase your self-esteem. If you feel you need a boost in your self-esteem, start by truly believing that your actions make a difference, that your actions shape your destiny. By that I mean, believing that by doing something you can make a difference in your own life and the lives of others. Self-esteem is not static, you can change it and one big step to improving it is to set a goal and accomplish it and from the accomplishment learn that you are a competent and capable person. When you do this over and over again you start to increase your self-esteem and to see yourself differently. You become confident through competence.

Though the phrase, “count your blessings,” may be overused, we shouldn’t let that detract from the efficacy of that statement. Counting your blessings really does make a difference. In several studies respondents were asked to count their blessings each night just before they went to bed. All of the respondents experienced a measureable lift in their mood. Simply counting your blessings, expressing what you are grateful for, will increase your positivity and improve your mood.

If counting your blessings can make a noticeable difference in your mood what kind of impact would you experience if you were to take gratitude to a higher level – something I call ‘radical gratitude’ – or ‘core gratitude.’ Radical gratitude is intense thankfulness that grows from the inside out, a feeling that emanates from your core so that it becomes part of who you are not just something you feel and do.  Let me tell you how this came about.

Several weeks ago I was driving to the Phoenix airport contemplating an upcoming presentation where I would be speaking about radical gratitude. As I was driving, I was thinking how I could make an impact on the audience and help them realize the magnitude of happiness they could achieve by practicing this form of gratefulness. This thought came to me: “What if no one showed up for work today?” In an instant I was overwhelmed with gratitude that people would show up for work on that day! Think of how your life would be different if no one showed up for work. If you own a business or if you are a manager consider how different your day would be if you came to the office and found it empty. Think of how different you feel toward your employees by just being grateful they showed up!

I began to look around me noticing the thousands of people on the freeway that, like me, were on their way to work. I became overwhelmed with gratitude that touched me so deeply that it has become part of who I am. Since that moment, I have had an intense feeling of gratitude for everyone I encounter – even if they are not as pleasant as I would like them to be – I am grateful they showed up for work.

Radical gratitude is not just saying thank you with enthusiasm and it doesn’t mean you go over the top in your praise or appreciation. Radical gratitude is a deep appreciation for everyone and everything around you and a realization that your life is made better by so many people, things and events that too often go unnoticed. You will become happier and more positive the more you develop core gratitude. Take a moment right now, be still and ponder how your life would be different this very moment if no one showed up for work!

Kirk

]]> http://www.thehappinessfactor.com/blog/?feed=rss2&p=21 http://www.thehappinessfactor.com/blog/?p=19 http://www.thehappinessfactor.com/blog/?p=19#comments Thu, 17 Sep 2009 21:46:48 +0000 admin http://www.thehappinessfactor.com/blog/?p=19 Emotional addictions are just as powerful and can be just as devastating as physical addictions such as nicotine, drugs and alcohol. One such emotional addiction is praise. We all want to be acknowledged and validated but when our self-worth or our self-esteem depends on the praise of others we may have a praise addiction.

Praise addiction is characterized by a lifestyle that revolves around eliciting positive attention from others by putting yourself in situations where you strive for recognition or by surrounding yourself with friends who consistently flatter you giving you the fix you so desperately need. Just like other addictions, you will feel the manic high associated with a fix and the despair as the high wears off. The ups and downs of praise addiction require serious consideration.

Praise, in moderation, is a good thing. However, many parents over-praise their children in an attempt to raise self-esteem. Self-esteem is raised by doing, by accomplishment, by achieving, not by praise. Confidence without competence is arrogance. It is quite possible that well meaning parents, teachers and other mentors have conditioned you to only feel valued when you are praised. Don’t fall into that trap! You are good enough on your own even if no one tells you.

The first step to recovery is to recognize and then admit you have a problem. This is generally very difficult. Praise addicts can’t just ask a friend because friends are the most likely supply of this powerful drug. If you crave attention from others, if you consistently feel despair if someone hasn’t said something nice or praised you in some way then you are an addict.

Don’t quit ‘cold turkey.’ Recovery from praise addiction is similar to other addictions in that it is an ‘inside out’ process. After recognizing you have a problem I recommend that you start to substitute self-love principles in place of the praise you crave. This requires some soul searching learning to see yourself as worthy, loveable, and sufficient. Remember, your default nature is divine, you have great qualities and you have great strengths. Be objective about yourself and learn to savor your own accomplishments without having someone tell you so.

For many people the road to recovery includes a religious or spiritual component. This is not unlike recovery from other more common addictions. Learning to rely upon a higher power, for me this is God, as your source of praise, your source of love, you can then use that love as a basis for recovery. You are divine; you have all you need to feel love and be loved. As you let God’s love distill upon you, the need for praise from others is diminished.

It is not the praise itself that is bad, it is the craving and need to support the addiction by the praise-lifestyle. Learning to love yourself for who you are, even with all of your flaws and inadequacies, is the quickest and most permanent cure for praise addiction.

Kirk

]]> http://www.thehappinessfactor.com/blog/?feed=rss2&p=19 http://www.thehappinessfactor.com/blog/?p=15 http://www.thehappinessfactor.com/blog/?p=15#comments Wed, 16 Sep 2009 21:43:15 +0000 admin http://www.thehappinessfactor.com/blog/?p=15 This past week I went to prison. Not for a crime, but to conduct several sessions on Cultivating Optimism. You may think that prison is an unlikely place for a topic such as optimism but I learned the opposite – that optimism is crucial in such a negative environment. Many of us experience negativity and stress every day – optimism can make a real difference in your life!

How many of us feel as if we are in prison? My coaching clients often tell me they feel stuck in a job they don’t like, in a marriage that isn’t working, or they feel they need to walk on eggshells. Isn’t that like an emotional prison?  While they may not be incarcerated they are held captive by their own thinking and believe that their situation is making them unhappy. There have been many studies that substantiate the idea that only about 10% of our life satisfaction and happiness is derived from our circumstances. Your circumstances are not the source of your unhappiness.

You can learn to be optimistic. Optimism is a skill. Becoming optimistic simply requires some attention and self-discipline. In the “Cultivating Optimism” sessions I taught the inmates the 4 powerful steps to create optimism through exercises in gratitude, reframing adversity, creating positive self-image and learning to not overthink.

Gratitude, if approached with some seriousness can lift your mood and help you see that life isn’t all that bad. When we experience adversity, it is easy to blame others and become pessimistic. You can learn to turn adversity into opportunity in a way that creates positive emotions which is critical to being optimistic. Too often people label themselves as a pessimist or an optimist. This flows from your self-image. You can create a new self-image of optimism. Lastly, if you are someone who ruminates and overthinks, learning how to stop overthinking can create hope instead of negativity.

To some degree we are all in a prison, held captive by our attitude and perception. Optimism is a skill that you can learn. Feeling grateful, overcoming adversity, improving your self-image and learning how to not overthink will help you break free from pessimism and unlock your potential to be optimistic. Optimists are healthier, have better jobs, handle stress and trauma better and live longer. Those benefits alone should be enough to motivate you to learn to cultivate optimism in your daily life. Looking on the bright side just became a whole lot easier.

Kirk

Let’s use this example. In a recent study, a group of more than 500 people were asked what would make them happy. Many of their responses included, “spending time with family.” The researchers gave each person in the study a PDA to record their level of happiness and satisfaction each hour of the day and to record what it was they were doing at the time. The results are not what you would expect. By a large margin people scored their happiness and satisfaction higher when they were at work and experienced less happiness and satisfaction when they were at home or with their family.

Another landmark study by Phillip Brickman compared the life satisfaction of lottery winners to quadriplegics. Both groups demonstrated the same level of happiness and satisfaction with the quadriplegics often saying they had a higher quality of life after being paralyzed.

Even though we think we know what will make us happy and what will not, we are actually not very good at predicting it. Why? Because we have an amazing emotional immune system. This immune system allows us to overcome obstacles and rise to the occasion. Additionally, we have been conditioned that external factors make us happy when in fact, happiness is an inside job. It is created from within.

Kirk